I just realized that I am that person that balls hysterically when they fail at schoolwork. I was never the athletic kid, never the prom queen, never popular, never the best, never the worst. I was always average by default. Somehow, though, I always managed to do better than average. Granted, what took most classmates 30 minutes to do always took me 3 days...but I always completed it; always succeeded; and was always proud.
Today is not one of those days. Today, I defaulted back to average. Actually, it was below average. 33 minutes. My face has looked like Niagra Falls for 33..make that 34 mintues now. I had forgotten that I was that kid...and that a part of me still is that kid...the one that dwells on a B- for days...the one that gets sick at her stomach at the sight of a C...and the one that never lets herself forget the disappointment of a D.
Maybe if I would have called the repair guy sooner. Maybe if I would have emailed the files, double checked this, buckled down on that. Maybe if I could have made it to the missed class, I would have known how to do this, do that, and the other. Some of tonight was not my fault. I'm not upset about that. It's the part that genuinely was a lack of ...something...a lack of effort? time? ability? drive? Something. It's the part that I could have done better that makes me want to waller in self-loathing. (nope, not a typo...I said waller..like a pig in mud).
I guess there are just some things that we never outgrow...no matter how hard we pretend to.
Amanda you and I are going to get along famously. You see as I sit here typing this post the deadline for a full credit submission passed hours ago! I, like you, loathe the Bs, Cs and Ds, huh Ds, well they are simply impossible to stomach. On the contrary, as much as I hate the grade, I hate the post contemplation that comes when I submit work that I am not proud to say is mine. I torture myself thinking of the woulda, shoulda, coulda considerations. Your post using the term anxiety grabbed me and you now have a devout, equally anxious follower! ~ Schae Hamilton
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. As much as I wish I hadn't the need to post it, at least we know we're not alone in our worries. Good luck, and we'll make it!!!
ReplyDeleteWell, I must say, pretty much everything in your post is absolutely wrong! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are by no means an "average" person. You may stink, be awesome, or somewhere in between at some things you do... But that is not you.
I don't know you that well, but I know you are awesome at some things you do. I believe in the saying, "people don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care" and I see this proved true in education. I know you care, and you are awesome at that.
I'm sure you've heard, most CEO's of companies were C and B students, not people with 4.0's because they are good at managing a lot of things, not just one.
Our education system has many flaws in the way it measures success, because it was made by man. I could ramble all day about that, but the main point is that your grades should not define you. Besides, I've never seen someone have their GPA posted with their degree on their wall.
Chin up, be proud of yourself. You are in GRADUATE school!
I'll end with words that I know are very intelligent, because I didn't come up with them... :)
There are two things in life we worry about, the things you can do something about, and the things you can't. The things you CAN do somethin about, stop worrying, and go do it. The things you CAN'T do somethin about, stop worrying, there's nothing you can do.
:)